Thursday, January 14, 2010

There's a whirlwind inside me...

Some days I feel like I have a whirlwind inside of me. On most days, it wisps about calm and serene. But on other days,... some of those really bad days, the whirlwind is a monster. It lashes out, rages and roars. On those days, I feel like I want to let that whirlwind loose and let the world despair in it's wrath. With the monster loose, I can curl away somewhere dark and alone and not have a care in the world.

What would the monster do, I wonder? Would it become bored and just roam about aimlessly? Would it ransack, pillage and plunder? Would it strike up eloquent conversations with random strangers? Would it tear the heads off little children and force feed them to their fathers as the mothers watched and screamed all covered in bodily fluids? On some days the little monster wants out. But I don't let it.

I suppress the whirlwind and I use it's power and determination. I use it to drive my being. I use it to surf the analog world. I use it to cope with unbearable loss and wretched anxiety. I use it to just get thru the day. I use it to just be. I use it right now, because there's very little else getting me thru the day.